Friday, March 12, 2010

Personal confessions

Sorry it has been so long. I often think about this blog, what to write about, different experiences I've had, etc., but it is just so hard for me to get on and publish anything. It has a lot to do with the fact that I am currently working two jobs in order to meet my school bills, all the while trying to live as naturally and environmentally as possible. Add on top of that, trying to do homework!

Another thing that has kept me away are personal issues that have been plaguing me. A few months back, I had denounced the practice of circumcision as a brutal practice that needs to be immediately stopped. Well, I have also since lost my faith in the God I was taught to believe in. I am also dealing with bits of depression about my current circumstances, and how I often feel powerless, and not in control of my life.

I feel as though I have been on auto-pilot since I was sixteen, doing and saying all the right things just to make those around me happy, often telling myself that it is okay that I am so miserable because everyone else is happy. Well, since then, I am now a twenty year old college student who feels her life is not her own, and that she has no say in what she wants.

At any rate, I think I am going to slow down a bit after this semester, and take a year off, just to live. Universities can be empowering and stifling at the same time. I feel as though I haven't lived. I don't have a lot of experiences, and I just want to live. A lot of people around me just want me to go to school, not spend time with my friends, get a degree and begin work. How sad that is?--just trudging through life, doing what every one else wants you to do.

In recent months, I have come to realize just how sad I was, and that I was leading such a complacent life, with very limited experiences. I am desperately trying to change that, and I am contemplating taking up farm internship positions so I can travel, meet new people, and enjoy new surroundings. I want to just break out and do something. Anything.

I mean, those who say they know best for me would have me waste my youth, trapped in a tv-induced trance on a beautiful Sunday, instead of interacting with outsiders or experiencing anything. That is not a life, that is a disgrace.

I feel like I am surrounded by stifling people who want me to be nothing more than their trophy and prize. I am not a 16", bronze decoration, meant to sit on a mantle. I am a person, with thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams. I have a mind, my own mind, and that is what they want to strip away from me. They told me that I don't have my own mind, and that I should have the mind of Christ, which is to obey and honor your parents. Please, pardon my french but Fuck that! I will not be a drone. I will not just relive the lives of those before me. This is my journey through life, and I intend on experiencing it.

I started trying to lead a more happy life by attending an event for Local Farmers and food producers in the Western Pennsylvania area yesterday. I had a lot of fun. I was able to talk with a few of the local food producers in my area, and gain some insight into farming in Pennsylvania. I was happy to see a lot of people in attendance, and that a lot of people were wanting to buy more local foods.

I talked to a representative of the Food bank, who shed some insight on the growing number of families in the Western Pennsylvania-area who need assistance buying food. I had volunteered a couple times for the food bank, and it was really true what she said--in one night, we served food to 700 families! So many people in need, it just makes me even more passionate to learn about sustainable food systems and spreading the word. Luckily, people are beginning to realize just how important sustainable, compassionate and environmentally-friendly food is to all of us.

That's it for now, folks. Thanks for listening to my rant, and allowing me to shed some emotional baggage that has been weighing me down for years. It is not all off, but I am starting to become a better person.